Geek Chic: Superheroic Cinema Part I

6.Watchmen

A lot of people threw a fit about this one. Especially the End (Which for the record, I thought was better than the graphic novel.) I honestly don’t know how you could have had a more faithful adaptation of the book. Images are literally transposed from the page to the screen.  The development of the film is pretty fascination in and of itself. The film’s life began when producers Lawrence Gordon and Joel Silver acquired the rights to said film for Warner’s circa 1986. No real forward momentum happened on this thing until 1991 (right after the Tim Burton Batman film proved you could make millions on a comic book adaptation and billions selling the lunch boxes for it.) Ever studio in the country wanted the next Batman. Except Warner. Warner wanted two Batmans. So they eventually got the film from 20th Century Fox. (Which makes sense in the first place, since Watchmen is a DC property, and they owned it in the first place.) Unfortunately, they hired Terry Gilliam. Terry Gilliam is a talented, multi-faceted director. Terry Gilliam has more trouble with getting films made than should be allowed by law. Seriously. Look up The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. The lead actor suffered a herniated disk and the set flooded. WaterWorld had less production problems. The film has only recently been revived because Johny Depp is involved and he has 3 films that have made a billion dollars. And as it turned out, Watchmen was another troubled production for him and the film eventually fell apart.

 

 

Yeah, he isn't kidding.

 

 

In October of 2001, after Blade and X-Men had proven that people wanted to watch the Spandex set again (after Batman and Robin sent them in droves AWAY from the theatre.)  Then nothing happened. Until 2004 when they attached Darren Aronofsky, which went about as well as him being on The Wolverine. He apparently has a hard on for making comic book films and then not making them. And Hugh Jackman. Dude loves some Jackman. As a matter of fact, he left Watchmen to develop The Fountain, which of course ended up staring Hugh Jackman. (That’s his default answer to everything.) Paul Greengrass eventually got interested in the film, but this also went nowhere. The film didn’t gain any real traction until Zach Snyder attached to the project (for the uninformed, this is the guy that actually did the recently released film adaptation.) And Snyder loves comic books. Here’s his filmography.

 

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

 

 

300 (2006)

 

 

Watchmen (2008)

 

 

 

Then there was an owl movie. It was 3D and animated. I don’t want to talk about it. None the less.

 

 

Books are like comic books, but with less pictures.

 

 

And now he’s directing Superman. Superman is also based on a comic book.

 

I am not a slave to adaptation. Comic and film are two different mediums. And a graphic novel of the like that is Watchmen is impossible to adapt page for page, line for line. I’ve read translations of the bible with less words. Alan Moore likes the way his words sound. And Dave Gibbons apparently. The casting is spot on in most cases. Nite Owl and The Comedian come immediately to mind. And Snyder’s visual flair was a perfect match for this film. The film is sophisticated and very mature. As one might have guessed, due to its inclusion on this list, its one of my favorites.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Geek Chic: Chasing the Unicorn Part II

Castlevania Dreamcast

I’ve mentioned some of the more memorable moments and installments of the series in previous articles. Castlevania: Resurrection is probably the most notorious of these titles. It was planned for release on the ill-fated Sega Dreamcast. It suffered numerous and ultimately fatal delays, that ended in its eventual cancellation after the announcement that the Dreamcast itself was going under. It was to be the third installment to be done in 3-D (a blood chilling omen in and of itself) following in the impotent footsteps of Castlevania 64 and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness (essentially Castlevania 64 2) two of the worst entries into the series, having never actually played Resurrection I can only suppose it would have followed in their poorly made footsteps. It was never released in the States, or anywhere else for that matter. I have included some of the footage and information found online above. The soundtrack sounds absolutely fantastic (as is a tradition with the series) and graphics seemed to be on par with what was available at the time, but I just don’t trust a Castlevania game in 3D. As Symphony and its successors on the DS have proved Castlevania is a series best served in 2D.

Shemue III

The original was planned on the then current system the Saturn and was eventually bumped when the system went belly up. The series was supposed to be a Dreamcast exclusive…until support was also pulled for that system. The second installment was released on the original X-Box and met with favorable reviews and unimpressive sales compared to the games costs. The first game was budgeted at 70 million dollars. In order for the game to turn a profit, every owner of a Dreamcast would have had to of purchased the game…twice…at full price. The astronomical ( for the time) sum supposedly included resources that could be used in the games planned sequels. As a matter of fact the characters, plot, gameplay and environments for at least the entire second game existed in some rough form or another before the first game was even released. Think like what New Line did with the Lord of the Rings series, except instead of sweeping the Oscars and doing billions of dollars with of box office and merchandise, it just did okay. This predated the Sand Box style that Grand Theft Auto “Pioneered” by several years. Shenmue just didn’t realize how much better they would have done if they had of allowed people to murder women and steal cars and have hookers. Do you realize the difference it would have made to have GTA III essentially in the Dreamcast? Unfortunately, for the fans of the series, it was left on a cliffhanger in the second game that will likely never be resolved.  I don’t want to be a downer, but the likelihood of this series ever being resolved is in the “Will Never Happen File”.

StarFox 2

You want to know what’s crazy about this game? It’s finished. Done. The game was completed, just never released. Here’s a quote from one of the games programmers Dylan Cuthlbert

“

StarFox 2 was fully completed. I was the lead programmer and while Giles made Stunt Race FX, myself and the rest of the original Starfox team (ie. Nintendo’s artists and designers) expanded Starfox into a full 3D shooting game. The reason for non-release was the then impending Nintendo 64 which of course was intended to be released a lot sooner than it actually was. Miyamoto-san decided he wanted to have a clean break between 3D games on the SNES and 3D games on the new superior 64-bit system. In retrospect, he could have released Star Fox 2 and there would have been over a year and a half before the N64 came out. But hindsight is always 20/20.”

I still don’t see the used in keeping a game that is completely finished and sitting unreleased. The SNES was still a viable system at that point, and who couldn’t of used a couple million in revenue from a product that would have easily made its money back. They did go on to use alot of the scenarios and mechanics in Star Fox 64 and Star Fox on the DS, but seriously THE F*^%ING GAME WAS FINISHED.

So why not released it on the Nintendo’s Virtual Console? Seems like a game not copying classic gameplay; this is actual classic game play that we never got to assimilate into our childhoods. Scratch that as well.  The games designer shot that down as well. When specifically asked about a Virtual Console release he said “Probably Not”. I don’t want to invoke Lost World: Jurassic Park here, but InGen wanted to exploit its completely finished dinosaurs for a theme park. I’m not even asking for that (it seemed to end badly) All I want, Nintendo, is for you to release a finished game and let me give you money so that I can play it. Just some good, wholesome consumerism. Virtual Console, X-Box Live Arcade, Playstation Network, hell release it on the Sega Genesis for all I care. Just let me play the game.

Mario 128

This one actually ended up getting released. Except it was called Pikmin, and not Mario 128. I would have called it Mario. That s*&^ sells like hotcakes. Mario 128 itself (as a series of projects) to create an innovative sequel to Super Mario 64. So at the end of the day this one wasn’t a total loss. We got the game (sans Mario) and it eventually led to Galaxy (a worthy successor to Super Mario 64) and Super Mario Sunshine (well, I guess it’s better than Hotel Mario.)

Super Mario 64 2

There are way too many numbers in that title. This game suffered from being planned on the ill fated 64DD system that was also supposed to feature The Legend of Zelda: Ocarania of Time (Luckily, that game did not suffer Mario 64 2’s fate.) The game was going to feature multiplayer levels and Luigi. It’s reported that several of the concepts eventually appeared in Super Mario 64 DS. Only one demo level was ever completed and Nintendo eventually abandoned the project because of the lack of power on the 64 to handle the game. If it had of been completed, the game was going to shoot for a 1999 release date. Though by the logic of most of the highly anticipated games on the 64, that probably means it would have been released in 2000 or 2001. But her, at least we got one Mario game on the 64.

Sega Neptune

Since the 32X was actually released, it’s not like we never got to play this one. The Neptune was going to be a combo system of the Genesis and 32X that would fix a lot of the problems consumers were having with the 32X add-on. It was supposed to extend the life of the Genesis, while waiting for the Saturn’s base to expand. (Let me know how that worked out, Sega.) Unfortunately, by the time the system was ready, so was the Saturn, and as the 32X had already been dropped from Sega’s support at the time, there was very little point in releasing what amounted to a dead-on-launch system. It’s kind of like what Nintendo did with Star Fox 2, except that there was absolutely no way Sega could use this development to their benefit in any way. There’s a good reason they lost nearly 267.9 million dollars on the Saturn. Methinks they rolled some of this development on a system that never met a consumer in there as well.

Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds

If you ever played any of the Zelda CD-i games, you probably know we dodged another bullet with this one. Some video exists of the gameplay. It looks alot like Super Mario World, but without inspiration, spirit or wonder. Kinda like the kids in Village of the Damned. Let this be a lesson to people on what a Nintendo product would look like without Nintendo’s involvement. If you haven’t read up on the CD-i debacle, Nintendo and Philips had established an agreement to co-develop a CD-ROM enhancement for the SNES , because it eventually worked out so well for Sega with the Sega CD(after Nintendo and Sony scrapped a previous deal on an earlier add-on for the SNES, which would eventually result in the creation of the Playstation) (Excellent job by the way Nintendo inadvertently creating one of your largest rivals) and, as a result, Philips was contractually allowed to continue using Nintendo characters after the deal fell through. It resulted in some of the worst video games ever made, and certainly the worst Mario and Zelda games ever made. If you have a system that can’t commercially release a Mario game, and be successful, you deserve to fail.

Shining Force III (Scenario 1 & 2)

Some of you may be wondering what I’m talking about. Shining Force III was released. It’s one of my favorite games. Well, some of it was released. The first disc of a three disc set that features interwoven gameplay between the discs. As this game was released in 1997, on the Sega Saturn, I highly doubt that we will ever see a US release of Scenario 2 and 3. Its been 14 years and Sega no longer has a platform to pimp it on. The likely hood of a Classic compilation disc is also low, as the most recently released Shinging Force game, on the DS, was released 2 years ago and no announcement has been made for a North American release. You can imagine how important a decade and a half old game on a dead system whose commercial failure cost them nearly 250 million dollars means to them. I would say that’s a wound Sega isn’t likely to open anytime soon.

Geek Chic: Gary Oldman

I once believed that Gary Oldman could do no wrong. Then they announced Red Riding Hood and this picture. I just keep telling myself, Commissioner Gordon, Commissioner Gordon…

 

 

"I am THE PURPLE PEOPLE EATER" exclaimed Oldman to an bewildered crowd.

 

And this is a man that wore this…

 

 

this…

 

 

and this…

 

You’ve got to try to be pretty hard to be the silly or unusual picture amongst that set. Are they not paying you enough on Dark Knight Rises, Gary? What is your dignity worth? (I assume whatever he was paid for Red Riding Hood) Which looks like Twilight, only silly. (sillier?)

Geek Chic: Chasing the Unicorn Part I

That’s the thing about chasing Unicorns. They don’t exsist. Most of these games exisit on some level, but were never released to the public. A couple of magazine articles, a mention in Nintendo Power back in the day or some internet rumblings will probably be the play these games will ever get. We may have dodged some bullets with these, but some of them represent some huge disappointments for me as a kid. The Sonic one in particular is like being told that Superman is going to be coming to your birthday party, only to be told moments before that he won’t be able to attend…he’s dead.

 

"He did send you this birthday card, though."

 

 

Sonic X-Treme

 

Today I will be taking us back to when 32-Bit graphics sounded impressive and Sega was still a player in the home console market. Tom Cruise had not gone coo coo for Coaco Puffs yet and the suffix 2000 made everything sound futuristic. Sega had only mildly pissed off the gaming public with the releases of the Sega CD and 32x and hadn’t pulled support off the 400 dollar initial asking price Saturn just yet. Sega had yet to release the supposed system seller Sonic X-treme (and sadly for fan’s of the blue hedgehog never would.) yet and daddy needed a Sonic title for the holidays. And what says next gen gaming like no other? Porting Sega Genesis titles to the Saturn you say? Then have we got a deal for you.  This is akin to Nintendo shelving Super Mario Bros on the original Nintendo and instead just putting out a preexisting version of Pac man with some mild upgrades. I’ve played Sonic 3D Blast and it sir is no sonic game that I’m aware of. At this point Sonic’s good name hadn’t been slandered yet. Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2 and 3 along with Sonic and Knuckles along with a handful of Game Gear titles had been released and the release of Sonic 2 a couple of years earlier had actually allowed the Genesis to pull ahead of Nintendo in the gaming market, a title Nintendo had been holding for nearly a decade. As well, in the gaming world, mascot titles where still big business and Sony had launched Crash Bandicoot to reasonable success and Nintendo had blown the worlds collective minds with Super Mario 64, so naturally Sega’s move of porting an existing 16-bit title only served to show that they were not serious players in the next gen console market. This steeped in the fact that they had recently pulled support of both the CD and 32x and eventually the Saturn which also in turn led to people adopting a wait and see attitude with the Dreamcast, was the beginning of the end for the once powerful contender Sega. I rented that title along with a friend of mine that Holiday season, and shortly thereafter purchased a Nintendo 64. I had chosen the Sega Genesis over the Super Nintendo. I didn’t make that error again.(though if the Wii doesn’t straighten up its act and release some real games I’m going to be singing a different tune, but that’s another article for another time. DS still kicks a$$ though.) Out of all the games on my list, this is probably the one that hurts me the most. Sonic games were on the same level as Mario at one point. Mario 64 carried the 64 through some dark times. I’m wondering if X-treme might have been the road less traveled that would have turned the tide for Sega.

 

 

The Legend of Zelda: Mystical Seed of Courage

 

The Ages and Seasons games that were released on the original Gameboy were actually supposed to be a trilogy of games. It was also going to be developed by Capcom. If Capcom knows anything, it’s 2D games. And as proof as how the other games turned out, they also know Zelda. The good thing about this particular game is that they realized that it wasn’t going to blossom into its own game early enough and decided to take the more salvagable elements and include them in the other two games, so the likely hood of ever playing this game is absolute zero, but chances are if you played and enjoyed the those two Zelda titles on Gameboy, you already played the best parts of the game.

 

 

Metroid 64

The following is an interview about the possibility of a Metroid on the N64.

games™: “This apprehension over 3D gaming, is that the reason there was never a Metroid 64?”

Sakamoto: “I was actually thinking about the possibility of making a Metroid game for N64 but I felt that I shouldn’t be the one making the game. When I held the N64 controller in my hands I just couldn’t imagine how it could be used to move Samus around. So for me it was just too early to personally make a 3D Metroid at that time. Also, I know this is isn’t a direct answer to your question but Nintendo at that time approached another company and asked them if they would make an N64 version of Metroid and their response was that no, they could not. They turned it down, saying that unfortunately they didn’t have the confidence to create an N64 Metroid game that could compare favourably with Super Metroid. That’s something I take as a complement to what we achieved with Super Metroid.”

Like just about everyone else, I was sad to not see this title ever appear on the N64. After all was said and don’t, there was way too long a period between Super Metroid (granted, one of the greatest games ever made ) and the release of another Metroid title, nearly 10 years later. As much as I would have enjoyed a Metroid title for the N64, I wouldn’t have wanted one that just felt slapped together to capitilize on the name. Ultimately the next game released was one of my favorites in the series, but try not to make it 10 years next time Nintendo.

 

 

Kid Icarus 2

 

The original game was created by Gunpei Yokoi, whom if you weren’t aware, created the original Gameboy and Metroid (P.S.  Sir, thank you for a huge chunk of my childhood.). He’s also responsoble for the VirtuaBoy, but I think being responsible for the other two engenders the man a mass amout of good will. I realize that technically there was a second Kid Icarus on the Gameboy, but I’ve heard rumblings for years that there was a planned Super Nintendo game that was eventually scrapped. I can’t find alot of information on it, which leads me to believe that it might just be a rumor. And for anyone bemoaning the 10 years inbetween Metroid games, the 20 years that will have passed between Kid Icarus games when the eventual 3DS title is released will probably help to ease your suffering alittle.

 

 

Shining Force Dreamcast

 

That is sadly the closest the Dreamcast ever got to having it’s own Shining Force game. Active development never started for the title and with the massive amount of money that the company hemoriged during the whole Saturn debacle, it’s very likely that they simply didn’t have the capitol to invest in an only moderately successful title. Sega, I love you. You created Sonic the Hedgehog, and for that I am forever grateful (or at least grateful for most of the 2D releases.) Tell you what, of you guys can get Shining Force Feather released in the states somehow, all will be forgiven. I haven’t got to play an original Shining Force title since 1998, so I think you guys at least owe me that. I have owned a Sega CD, a 32X, a Game Gear, a Saturn and a Dreamcast. I am you guys target audience. I know you didn’t develop the new Shining Title on the DS but you guys did get me hooked, so as my dealer, I think you owe me something.

On a side not Sega, you did not have the franchise depth that Nintendo had. This might not sell like the one time Nintendo exclusive Final Fantasy but you can’t bite the hand that feeds you. You do get points for releasing (mostly) original titles for all of your other major systems. The Shining Force CD and Game Gear games being essentially the same game though, for shame. Then again, why waste a perfectly good game on a system that no one will ever get to play it on. (I’m staring at you, Sega CD)

See you soon for part II…

Geek Chic: Transformers: The Dark of the Titanic

 

I’m thinking there are some deleted scenes Cameron hasn’t shown us. How’s that for a twist ending, the titanic didn’t sink, it was transforming. That whole jewel thing the old lady has, probably energon cubes. I don’t see how Titanic couldn’t benefit from this.

Geek Chic: GameBoy Accessories

For children too stupid to just get a bag.

I was alive in this era, keeping it portable was not tough. Achieving time travel and the last level of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out were tough.

Geek Chic: Avatar and G.I. Joe II

James Cameron recently announced that the Avatar sequel will take place underwater.  Seriously, one day the man will finally gain control of water, and drown us all.

In other unnecessary sequel news, It was recently made known that the G.I. Joe follow-up will lose it’s original director (Van Helsing’s Stephen Sommers) and most of the original cast besides Duke and the ninjas. Let me get this straight, No Wayans, No Sommers and it won’t be anything like the original with undoubtedly more ninjas. I don’t know about you, but I’m more excited already.

Geek Chic: Adam Sandler

I actually used to be a huge fan of Sandler’s. When I started watching SNL, he was a member of the cast. I was amused with his songs and admittedly one note characters. (It’s probably a good thing Opera Man never got his own movie.)

I sing-o multi notes o, but my character is one dimens-o.

Billy Madison (1995)

This was the real beginning, at least for starring roles. It was the beginning of one of the longest winning streaks at the box office that has almost ever been seen. Tom Hanks and Will Smith do not have as consistent and successful record domestically. This film was modestly budgeted and turned a very small profit, but featured Sandler’s name above the title. The film is inelegant and often stupid. It’s also one of my favorite of his movies and rather funny in its own right.

Happy Gilmore (1996)

Also a modestly budgeted, moderate hit. It continued Sandler’s (eventually) long relationship with writer Tim Herlihy. Herlihy has written with Sandler on almost all of his films, and is undoubtedly rich because of it. Happy Gilmore isn’t the highest grossing of Sandler’s films, but I do think it stands as one of his best. It virtually perfected his idiot-man-child routine and went on to be a large success on the home video market. It also started his relationship with Dennis Dugan, who has directed a large amount of Sandler’s pictures (and is also significantly rich, because he made friends with Sandler.)

Bulletproof (1996)

Also released in 1996, Bulletproof was another moderately successful comedy that came about because Sandler and Wayan’s had agreed they should work together when the later was hosting SNL. Sandler took the man at his word and remembered him when the script came up. The film doesn’t work on quite as many levels as his earlier comedies and Sandler did not work with the writer, star or director again, which in Hollywood tends to mean, thanks, but no thanks.

The Wedding Singer/The Waterboy (1998)

Wedding Singer and Waterboy both came in what would end up being a banner year for Sandler. With Wedding Singer he would experience something of a first for him in his career, good reviews. The film also opened something else to him, female viewers. (Take a look at the grosses of Titanic and the Twilight movies and you’ll understand why they’re important.) Waterboy was the first film to benefit from Sandler’s newfound audience and was his second to cross the 100 million dollar mark. It also started a relationship with Frank Coraci that continued into Click and Waterboy.

Big Daddy (1999)

His only film released during 1999, and was another huge hit for Sandler, that at the time, was his largest. It’s also, sadly, the last time I really remember seeing a Sandler written and produced comedy that I enjoyed.

Little Nicky (2000)

As a result of Sandler’s newfound fame and power, studios were ready to bankroll what he wanted. Unfortunately, like Jim Carrey’s Cable Guy before him, they bankrolled the wrong movie (Cable Guy is a funny movie, the price tag is just a little big)  The film cost nearly 85 million dollars and only recouped 58. Luckily Sandler has a large fan base on home video, which allowed the film to break even. It isn’t without its moments, it’s just uneven and plays like a 2 hour SNL sketch. Think if Cantine Boy got his own movie and you’ll be in roughly the same place.

Punch Drunk Love/ Mr.Deeds (2002)

2002 was about as night and day as you can get for an actor. Punch Drunk Love was a dramatic step (literally) in another direction for Sandler. In the first time since The Wedding Singer, Sandler and good reviews were not in opposition to each other. Mr. Deeds was a gigantic hit, but was mostly forgettable and was the second Sandler comedy that I found lacking. It wouldn’t be the last.

Anger Management/50 first Dates (2003,2004)

I can’t disagree with Sandler for wanting to work with Nicholson. Who wouldn’t? Living legends tend to get that. Anger Management is not As Good as It Gets (both figuratively and literally) The film is middling and is really only significant because of Jack’s involvement. 50 First Dates is another film more important for its casting decisions than the film itself. Repairing Sandler with Barrymore (his first 100 million dollar success) paid off, and was probably the best film Sandler had been personally involved with (in terms of writing and production) since Big Daddy.

Spanglish/ The Longest Yard (2004,2005)

In another credibility and cash switch up, Sandler marked his first colaboration with Albert Brooks (in my favorite or Sandler’s movies) with Spanglish. It has the proper amount of drama, believability and comedy, unlike his other films that usually have two much or not enough (or any) in his other movies. The Longest Yard marked another hit for Sandler (his dramas have all severely underperformed.) Though Sadly continued his further neutering by the big studios. (but at least he seems to be well compensated for it.)

Click/ Reign Over Me (2006/2007)

Same formula. Same Results.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry/You Don’t Mess With the Zohan/Bedtime Stories (2007,2008,2008)

I Now Prenounce You is mildly viewable. Zohan and Bedtime Stories are terrible. Up until this point I could watch his movies and at least find something to like. Zohan and Stories were exercises in mediocrity and new lows for him. Naturally, they were huge successes.

Funny People (2009)

Along with Spanglish, this is my other favorite Sandler movie. The two balance what Sandler does best instead of only highlighting  one. Again, because it features him in a dramatic role, it was only a moderate success.  It also features some of Judd Apatow’s best work. If his work continues, I think you’re looking at the next Albert Brooks (which looking at the lack-of-success of How Do You Know, could be good or bad, depending on your perspective) One of Sandler’s best.

Grown Ups (2010)

Is a return to un-form for him. Much like Ocean’s Twelve, It was more of an excuse to vacation with his SNL alums (with Kevin James standing in for late Chris Farley) The great thing about this vacation was that someone else bankrolled it and later released it as a feature film.

Just Go With It (2011)

His newest is directed by longtime collaborator Dennis Dugan, which probably mean there is more of the same. It also isn’t written by Sandler and his friends, so some of the jokes may appeal to people over the age of 7. I’ll watch it eventually, I just hope I don’t regret it. Sandler is capable of producing good films. Funny films. Sometimes he chooses not too. The problem seems to be when he does try to branch out, he gets penalized for it. If all you had to do was walk across the room to get a sandwich, why would you ever leave your house to get one? I for one hope that he continues to look for roles to expand his resume, because one day, his tired comedies aren’t going to be funny to anyone.

Geek Chic: Dan Hipp

These are some interesting images from a comic artist named Dan Hipp. This is only a sampling. The first is a modern reimagining of the Frankenstien myth, the second is the only time I ever thought an Ewok was cool. Do a quick Google search. You won’t be disappointed.

 

 

Geek Chic: When Terminators and Gremlins mate

Gizmo- " I need an adult! I need an adult!"